A Confession

I haven't been doing well with the disciplines over the last month. It started during the last two weeks of school. I kind of gave myself a break because I had so much work to do, which I think is fine. I don't think that God is just waiting to get angry at us for not spending time with Him (though I do think it is to our detriment when we don't spend time with Him).

However, one of the major stumbling blocks to my spiritual growth through the disciplines during this time off has actually been this blog. When I took my little unexpected hiatus, little fears tiptoed into my mind. I started to wonder what people would think. Would they criticize my lack of discipline and follow-through? I started making sure I had an excuse that I could give them to explain why I had been away so long. I wondered if my spiritual regression would be noticeable when I started blogging again. I wondered how I could write a blog that was Spirit-filled or seemed Spirit-filled when I wasn't feeling filled with the Spirit. I started approaching my quiet times with the Lord in hopes of getting some nice spiritual gem to write about, but it needed to be good. People were watching.

I realized today that the blog has become a burden because I've made people's opinions my god. But, it's better for me to enter the kingdom of heaven with no blog than to enter the gates of hell with a blog filled with showy, idolatrous entries.

So, there's my confession. I'm not sure if this means that I'll take a break from blogging. Being convicted of my idolatry, confessing it, and shifting my perspective to again make this a place for me to be able to process what I'm learning and to keep a record of the Lord's work for the Lord's glory may be just what I needed to reclaim the blog as a tool rather than a stumbling block. We'll see in the days to come.

Explanations and Excuses

Whew! Sorry for the long break! I just finished up my grad classes on Monday and started nannying full time this week. I still haven't gotten a new computer since mine got stolen, so I can only write when I borrow Don's computer.

Anyway, enough with explanations and excuses.

I've actually learned a lot about feeling guilty about my times with the Lord over the last two weeks. I'll hopefully share soon! :)

I Am

Today I meditated on the Lord through a song by Jill Phillips (click here). I thought the message was good enough to share as is. No frills. Just quietness of spirit and the presence of the Lord. I pray that you too are drawn into His tender care and affection as you listen.

Being Like Jesus

I cannot will myself to be like Jesus in the moment of testing. 

Dallas Willard discusses this point in detail in the first chapter of his book The Spirit of the Disciplines. He emphasizes that one of the major fallacies of the Church today is that we are to be like Jesus as he was in the limelight (i.e. loving the outcast, turning the other cheek, suffering patiently,etc.), without being like Jesus as he was in everyday life (i.e. praying, fasting, serving, celebrating, studying, etc.).

Willard uses the comparison of a young baseball player and a young Christian to illustrate his point. The young player cannot simply mimic his favorite baseball star in his attire, in his stance, and in his swing in order to play like him on game day. That's not how the baseball star got to the big leagues after all. The baseball star got there from years of work training his body day after day in practice, drills, diets, and exercise. If the young athlete wants to be like him, he must also commit himself to a lifestyle of practice and drills and diets and exercise to train his body day after day.

In the same way, we as Christians cannot simply hope that the moment we are tested in loving the outcast, turning the other cheek, or suffering patiently that we will be able to just mimic Jesus. Even Jesus didn't just get to loving the outcast, turning the other cheek, or suffering patiently by simply hoping he would be able to do it when the time came. Instead, Jesus "often withdrew to lonely places and prayed" (Luke 5:16); Jesus fasted (Matthew 4:1-11); Jesus served (John 13); Jesus celebrated (John 2:1-11); Jesus studied (Luke 2:41-52). If we want to be like him, we must also commit ourselves to a lifestyle of praying, solitude, fasting, service, celebration, study, etc.

Believing that I can just mimic the things that Jesus did in the limelight while not mimicking the things that he did elsewhere will only set me up for significant frustration.

To be like Jesus, I have to be like he was ALL the time, not just like he was in moments of testing.

Hungering for God

You know that feeling when you're really hungry? 

Your stomach aches with emptiness. All you can think about is food. Every billboard. Every commercial. Every post on Facebook. They're all about food! And, it all sounds so good! 

But, have you ever gotten past that point of extreme hunger? 

The ache goes away. The awareness of all the food around you goes away. Sometimes food doesn't even sound good anymore. Sometimes you have to force yourself to eat even if it doesn't sound good because you know your body will need the energy later. 

Practicing the disciplines has shown me that hungering after God is not so different from hungering after food. 

I need God, and I want Him. But, once I've let that need and that desire go unattended--after I've passed the point of feeling that hunger for Him--my ache for Him goes away. I start to lose my awareness of Him. And, sometimes being with Him doesn't even sound good. 

But, most of the time, I don't respond with Him the way I do with food. With food, I say, "I should eat even though I don't feel like it right now because I know I'll need the energy later." With Him, I say, "I shouldn't force myself to do it if I don't want to because it's not genuine, and I would be trying to make myself righteous by obeying the law."

I'm realizing that that's terrible logic that is keeping me from growing spiritually. 

By telling myself that I shouldn't spend time with the Lord because I don't feel like it, I'm making myself a slave to my feelings. And, I'm failing to recognize that my spirit needs to feast on the Bread of Life to be able to bear fruit whether I feel like it or not. I'm also failing to realize that I will almost always feel like being with Him once I've tasted a bit of His goodness. 

The reality is that I'm not trying to make myself righteous by spending time with the Lord when I don't want to. I know that simply going through the motions of a "quiet time" or "devotions" with the Lord is not enough. Instead, I'm making myself do what I don't want to do because I know that my feelings now are not reflective of the truth (i.e. I do desire the Lord even though I don't feel like it), because I know that my spirit needs the Lord, and because I have faith that my desire for Him will follow. 

Meditation and the Readying of the Spirit

Though David speaks of meditating often in the Psalms, prior to now, I've rarely considered meditating as a spiritual discipline that I would practice myself. I suppose I didn't really know what it was; or, I suppose it sounded too much like things that the Christian Church tends to shy away from or label as "too spiritual".

But, Joyce Huggett, in Spiritual Classics: A Renovare resource for individuals and groups, has a much different view on meditation. She writes, "...Christian meditation must not be confused with yoga, Eastern meditation or transcendental meditation. For, unlike these disciplines, Christian meditation has nothing to do with emptying our minds. Christian meditation engages every part of us--our mind, our emotions, our imagination, our creativity, and surpremely, our will."

There are different methods and practical ways to meditate. Huggett suggests muttering a Scripture over and over as David describes in the Psalms. Or, simply reflecting or pondering on the Scripture in our hearts. Richard Foster in Celebration of Discipline even talks about meditating on being in the very presence of Christ, using our imagination to envision walking with Him in fields or meadows.

Joyce Huggett places meditation in broader framework of the disciplines this way, "Such stillness is to Bible reading what preparing the soil is to good farming. Essential for fruitfulness." In other words, meditation, or spending time to quiet our minds and hearts to reflect on the being of Christ and His truth is the first step in pursuing other disciplines. Without this change in our focus and attitudes, our minds and hearts are not ready to receive what the Spirit has to give to us.

In practicing meditation yesterday and today, I chose to dwell on two passages. Yesterday was Isaiah 33:6, "He will be a sure foundation for your times, a rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge. The fear of the Lord is the key to this treasure." And, today was Psalm 100:4a, "Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise."

I've never spent such extended time repeating a passage of Scripture. Most of the time, I read it and move on. Or, I try to memorize it, and once I have, I close the Bible. But, with meditation, you could go on for hours like David did, "On my bed I think of you, I meditate on you all night long..." (Psalm 63:6). Repeating the verses over and over really impressed them on my heart. I was not focused so much on the task of memorization but on the truths of the Scripture, and as I meditated on them, I was drawn into the presence of God. A weight was lifted from my heart. I felt much less concerned with the worries of this life, and I was ready to hear from the Lord, free from distraction. It was truly a surprising and wonderful experience. A tilling of the soil, a readying of my spirit.

I can understand why meditation is the first chapter of Foster's Celebration of Discipline. It truly makes the spirit ready to engage with God. It frees our spirit from being subject to our spiritual to-do lists. It stops our works-based pursuit of God, makes us aware of the Lord's love-filled pursuit of us, and then draws us in to His glorious presence that we may be made into His likeness by the work of His Spirit.

What Are the Disciplines?

One question that must be answered in a pursuit of the disciplines as a means of spiritual transformation is, "What are the disciplines?" To answer this, I've looked to those disciplines that Richard Foster has set out in his book Celebration of Discipline. Foster focuses on twelve disciplines which he divides into Inward Disciplines, Outward Disciplines, and Corporate Disciplines which are shown below.

Inward Disciplines
Meditation
Prayer
Fasting
Study

Outward Disciplines 
Simplicity
Solitude
Submission
Service

Corporate Disciplines
Confession
Worship
Guidance
Celebration

Foster illustrates the interconnected relationship of the disciplines on the final page of his book:

"...meditation heightens our spiritual sensitivity which, in turn leads us into prayer. Very soon we discover that prayer involves fasting as an accompanying means. Informed by these three Disciplines, we can effectively move into study which gives us discernment about ourselves and the world in which we live. Through simplicity we live with others in integrity. Solitude allows us to be genuinely present to people when we are with them. Through submission we live with other without manipulation, and through service we are a blessing to them. Confession frees us from ourselves and releases us to worship. Worship opens the door to guidance. All the Disciplines freely exercised bring forth the doxology of celebration" (Foster 1998: 201).

These are the disciplines that I will be focusing on for the next year. I don't plan on it being perfectly planned out in the perfect way for a blog...because the blog isn't my primary focus in all this. I want the Lord. And, I want His Spirit working in me as He wills not as I will. So, we'll see where He leads, and I'll try to record things I've learned on here as a record of the power of the Spirit to transform lives.

Why Disciplines Aren't Enough

It's only been 3 days, and I've already felt my heart steering in the wrong direction. I've already admitted in previous posts that my natural bent is for activities and achievements. If I have a formula for success, I'm good to go...alone. But, the disciplines as God intends them are not about activities. They are about the heart.

I can't count the number of times that I have prayed or read my Bible or fasted or...or...or...and it hasn't done a thing in my heart. When I do the discipline to pride myself on having done it or to check it off my list, it's worthless. And, I feel it. There is no peace in my heart. Just more activities and more stress over everything I have to do. Satan loves this because it drives me away from the presence of the Lord. I want to flee from the pressure and the busyness.

But, that's not what the Lord has to offer. He wants to offer peace and rest. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28).

When I feel the weight of the disciplines and my to do list getting heavier, I know I'm getting off track, but I don't think this is cause to throw out the disciplines all together though. In the moments I've gotten off track, I've felt the pull of the Lord to honestly and humbly come before Him with no defenses and no hiding to take another inventory of my heart. In those moments, He's reminded me that He is gentle and humble in heart, and I will find rest for my soul in Him (Matthew 11:29).

The disciplines are only good insofar as they enable us to peacefully dwell in the presence of Christ and be changed by Him.  

In John 15:5, Jesus says, "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." I will accomplish nothing by disciplines alone unless I stop the constant activity, and, in the midst of the disciplines, find myself abiding in the holiness of Christ. 

Why Discipline?

To answer this question, the Lord laid on my heart 1Timothy 4:7-8, "Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives' tales; rather, train yourself to be godly. For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come."

Physical training.

In the last decade, our culture has become aware of the physical decay of our earthly bodies. We've seen the  negative impacts of indulgent foods loaded with sweets and indulgent lifestyles lacking in exercise. So, we've begun to discipline ourselves through diet and exercise, trusting that taking control over our bodies will reap the rewards of weight loss and longer life.

The reality with dieting and exercise is that we have to get a long-term perspective. We have to look at what we want our life to be, not what we want the next fifteen minutes to be. Do we want to be unhealthy and lethargic forever? If the answer is no, then we have to start making decisions in the short-term that are focused on the long-term. We have to start saying "no" to unhealthy food that we want now, in order to say "yes" to the healthy body that we want later. And, according to Paul, this training is good for us while we're here on earth.

Spiritual training.

The reality with spiritual growth is that we have to get a long-term perspective. We have to look at what we want our life to be, not what we want the next fifteen minutes to be. Do we want to be spiritual sluggards forever? If the answer is no, then we have to start making decisions in the short-term that are focused on the long-term. We have to start saying "no" to petty activities and worthless goals that we want now, in order to say "yes" to the godly life that we want later. And, according to Paul, this training is good for us while we're here on earth and good for us when we get to heaven.

The real paradox is that discipline now brings freedom later. It is only when we discipline our bodies through diet and exercise that we recognize that we have control over our physical bodies, and we lose weight and become healthy. In the same way, it is only when we discipline our spirits through things like prayer, meditation, fasting, simplicity, and solitude that we recognize that we have control over our sinful nature, and stop sinful thinking and habits and grow spiritually.


In short, spiritual disciplines show us that we are no longer controlled by the flesh and make us open to the work of the Spirit in our lives. 

An Inventory of the Heart

I stated in my Honest Beginnings post that I didn't think it was possible to see true transformation unless I was honest about where I was starting. But, I realize that I was not clear enough in the last post about the things I'm struggling with. I gave too many words and not enough honesty. So, this time I've decided to make a list.

1) I have not been in the Word daily.

2) I have been enslaved to people pleasing--constantly wondering if my professors think I'm a good student or a slacker or if other Christians think I serve the poor enough.

3) I have used busyness as an excuse to hide from the Lord.

4) I have been intensely struggling with comparing myself to others in my achievements, frequently being very hard on myself if I was not the best or if I made a mistake.

5) I have been using achievements as a measure of my self worth.

6) I have been seeking my own glory rather than the glory of God.

7) I have not been serving the poor in my neighborhood. I've used busyness as an excuse.

8) I have not shared my faith with any non-believers in months. I've used the fact that my gifts are more in teaching and discipleship of believers to explain this.

9) My times with the Lord have been sporadic at best. Little prayers throughout the day, but little extended time spent with Him.

10) I have looked to my needs before the needs of others, including my husband's.

11) I have compared myself to others to make myself feel better about how I was doing.

12) I have felt guilty about the state of my heart.

13) I have felt the promptings of the Spirit and blatantly disobeyed them.

14) I have held on to the times that I was doing well spiritually and shared them with others to be impressive and convince myself I was a good follower of Christ.

15) I have been jealous of the friendships of others, wanting people to like me instead.

16) I have been angry when people have treated me unjustly or when I have perceived that they have treated me unjustly.

17) I have been defensive when others (especially my husband) have brought up things that they see in my heart that should change.

It's kind of ugly when you write it all out like that. But, it's also true, and it's an inventory of the parts of my heart that need transformation. I should say here that I think that Satan loves for us to compare ourselves to others whether it makes us feel good or bad about ourselves. But, comparing ourselves to each other is not wise (2 Cor. 10:12b). So, I pray that this list would not be used as a tool of Satan but as a reflection of the power and the redemptive work of God in the life of His children.

Honest Beginnings

I feel that the only way that true spiritual transformation can be seen over the course of the next year is by being honest about where I'm beginning.

I'm tired, and I'm weak. I have spent the last year striving. Last May, I broke down exhausted and defeated after not making it as successfully as I had hoped through grad school. But, even then, I persisted. I pushed, and I pushed, and I pushed. I would invite people over for lunches when I literally had to take a nap on the floor of my living room while they were still at my apartment. I would continue to go to classes, even though the drive to school alone made me so tired that I would have to nap under my cubicle 10 minutes before the class would start. I was so tired. After a fever struck for over a week, I finally realized I was sick. Really sick. So, for two months, I quit life. It was glorious, and I learned a great deal about rest. And, about how measuring your worth by your productivity is an American construct not necessarily a godly one. But, as I lay unable to accomplish things...I was desperate. Desperate for my identity back. And, as soon as I was healthy again, I was ready to earn it back.

Slowly, over the last 8 months, I've accumulated more things to do. Things that make me feel accomplished and busy and good that I'm making other people happy. And, again, I'm tired. It's not that I've forgotten everything I learned from having mono. In fact, I've tried to incorporate some leisure activities from that season of life into my new schedule. I've done things just for fun to give myself a break. But, even the fun has become another thing on my to do list.

When I finally stopped to take a breath, I heard the Lord speak. And, He revealed to me that I would never find rest even in my restful activities because true rest can only be found in Him. This whole time I've been striving--never willing to stop long enough to be at peace in His presence. I think I was afraid. I knew I wasn't giving Him the time that He deserved. So, I made myself busier to have an excuse to flee from His piercing gaze.

But, of course, when I finally stopped to stand in His shadow, I did not find the fiery blazes of anger I expected but the gentle, cool breeze of His tender affection. And, I was at peace--for the first time in a long time. Peace.

I am hungry for more. I want more peace. I want less busyness. I want fewer accomplishments. I want less competition. I want less living for other people. I want a life characterized by the transformation of the Holy Spirit to make me more like Christ to the glory of God the Father. And, I want the transformation to be lasting. I'm tired of being half-hearted. I'm tired of growing cold.

So, here I am. Tired. Weak. Enslaved. And, I want to be free.

Mono, Marriage, and a Master's...and a Journey toward Spiritual Transformation

I haven't posted in a while. Turns out that 10 months filled with mono, marriage, and a Master's will do that to a blogger.

Anyway, I hope to be back for a while. For a year at least! :) This all stems from the fact that I've recently been reading Richard Foster's Celebration of Discipline, and I've decided to start a year-long journey through the spiritual disciplines as a path to spiritual transformation. I've been a devoted follower of Christ for about ten years, but I've become discontent with the complacency and lack of desire that still dwells in my heart and squelches the work of the Spirit in my life. As I've been reading Celebration of Discipline, I've been convicted that I've been listless in my walk with God. I've lacked the discipline that it takes to train my heart out of that complacency and lack of desire.

So, I'm starting today. May 10, 2013. Kind of an odd, middle-of-the-year kind of date. Why start today of all days? Well, I heard a few weeks ago in a Chapel talk by a fellow student that the best indicator of what you will do tomorrow is what you've done today. I was struck. Over the last ten years, I've come up with so many dreams for my Christian walk. I've had visions of how consistent I want my times with the Lord to be, how fervent I want my prayers to be, how sincere I want my love for others to be. And, I've frequently said, "Yes, I want that...and I'll start tomorrow." But, the best indicator of what I will do tomorrow is what I did today. So, here I am. Today. Starting.

I pray that this journey would give us a clearer picture of how spiritual transformation actually happens. I think that we frequently hold on to our spiritual aspirations expecting them to happen over night in a flash (which they could, knowing the Spirit). But, I think often, spiritual transformation happens in the small decisions and in the menial moments of life. Over time we can look back on the culmination of all those menial moments and see the fruit of the Spirit making us more like Christ. I hope that this blog can be a testimony to the work of the Lord in all those trivial matters of life. May He daily helps us to walk and not grow weary as we follow Him.

Forgiveness

Somehow forgiveness seems so elementary to the faith, yet I've come to realize that I don't even really know what it is. What does it look like? How do I do it? When someone has wronged me, how exactly do I forgive them? Or, how do I know I have forgiven them? Do I forget what they did? Do I cease to deal with the problems that were caused? Do I pretend like it didn't happen? Do I cease to feel the pain that was caused? I think the answer is a firm "no" to all of these questions. Even if I tried to answer them with a "yes" and tried to "forgive" in that way, I don't think it would be the most emotionally healthy way of dealing with the issues. But, if none of those things are forgiveness, what then, is forgiveness?

The Bible has a few things to say on the topic, but the one verse that I've learned from the most in recent days is Ephesians 4:32, "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

Okay, so this verse could be read in a couple different ways. I should forgive because God forgave me, or I should forgive in the same way that God forgave me. For now, let's go with the "same way" reading. So, if we are to forgive in the same way that God did. How did God do it?

Basically, through Christ's death, God took our sins and our punishment and placed them on Christ. He removed our garment of shame and replaced it with Christ's garment of white. In Christ, we have been made righteous. When God looks on us, he sees his Son. God sees Christ's perfect record instead of our sinful record.

So, if that's how God forgave us, then, that must be how we can forgive others.

I've come to think of it this way. When someone wrongs me, I must first honestly admit the wrong they have done and the hurt and the pain they have caused. If I am not honest in this first step, I will not be able to truly forgive them. However, once I've done that, I then remove that stain from their record, and I place it on Christ's record. Then, I replace their sinful record with Christ's righteous record. In other words, whatever good and holy thing Christ did or would have done in that situation, I credit that to the one who did me harm.

In more practical terms, I've found it helpful to take out a piece of paper. On the left side, I make a very specific list of the wrong things that were done or the hurt that was caused. Then with a single strikethrough, I cross out the wrongdoing in red pen. Then I draw arrows from each of the wrongdoings, and I replace each one with a righteous act of Christ. When I'm done, I have a list of their old, sinful acts that are all crossed out in red on the left side, and I have a list of their, new righteous acts on the right side. And, this becomes their new record. Sometimes I just read through all the righteous acts, and it fills me with peace and love for the person who caused me harm. Christ's blood has covered every sinful act and replaced them with his righteousness, and that brings joy and freedom.

By the way, I only strikethrough the sinful record once because sometimes Satan tries to speak lies to me and get me to keep a record of their wrongs again, but when I hear those lies, I look back at the list. I see that that sin has been covered, and I reread the righteous act that now stands in its place.

I'm not entirely sure if this is totally theologically sound, but it has definitely helped me get through the hurt that comes along in life and feel peace and love when I look at the ones who caused the hurt. So, take it with a grain of salt, and I pray that the Lord can use it to bring healing in your life as well.

Blessings in a Blow Up

I got back to Dallas last night. My friend Michal picked me up from the airport and dropped me off at my car which had been parked at school for the last month. We parted ways (after talking wedding plans, of course), and I got in my car to make my way home. I made it a whole 10 feet before I knew something was seriously wrong. My car was virtually army crawling backward out of the parking spot. I got out to find the reason for its clunky gait only to find that my right, front tire had exploded at some point over the last month. The tire was still in tact but all the tread had exploded into shreds around it.

Though this was not what I had expected upon my arrival back home, I have been so blessed to discover all of the ways that God has protected me and taken care of me through it.

First of all, right after Michal dropped me off, she went to go pick up her siblings, but something or rather Someone ;) compelled her to come back around the parking lot and make sure I knew she hadn't deserted me before I'd made it in my car. She then gave me a ride home. I'm grateful for her help and for God's prompting her to come back.

Second, it happened while no one was driving the car. The week before I left Dallas, I knew something was wrong. The car was pulling to the right a lot and the steering wheel shimmied at high speeds. I had asked my roommate's dad about it, and he checked the lug nuts and things seemed to be fine. So, I kept driving it  giving other people rides back and forth 30 miles multiple times that week. I am so grateful that God protected us from an exploding tire while driving on the interstate and let it explode when it was sitting for a month.

Third, I normally live in an area with refugees and many immigrants; however, I had decided to park my car by school for the month. I'm so glad that it burst in the parking lot at school instead of my apartment parking lot. Changing a tire(when I really didn't know how) in front of lots of men who often stand around in the parking lot would have probably made me feel a little uneasy, but the parking lot at school was a perfect/open place to change it.

Fourth, Christy, the girl I'm staying with for the month, knows how to change a tire and had all the proper tools. And, she offered to get up this morning at 6:30am to get so I could get to Firestone to replace it by 7 when they opened. I'm so grateful she was here and was so knowledgeable and helpful. She was a real blessing.

And, I got my tires replaced by 8am this morning after discovering that the one tire was blown at 8pm last night. 12 hours (with about 8 of those being sleeping hours), and the problem was fixed.

I just feel grateful for the Lord's protection and provision today. And, of course, not all circumstances in life turn out as great as this one did, but just because I can't bank on things being so easy all the time doesn't mean I can't or shouldn't praise Him when they do.

"...give thanks in ALL circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." (1 Thessalonians 5:18)

People Laugh When They Play

I've been reading a book called Poking Holes in the Darkness by Jaki Parlier. It's about the author's experience as a Wycliffe missionary in PNG. I've only read the first section, but she begins by describing in detail her first experience in a PNG village, and I found it fascinating. It reminded me of my first moments in a village. So, I thought I should record those moments before I forget them in a flurry of other memories stored in my brain. Here goes!

After an entire afternoon and early evening of traveling up (or down...I don't remember which) the river in Martha's fiberglass boat (which was so loaded down with cargo and people that the boat started to flood when we took off), we arrived at an unknown village at dusk. 

Martha's boat with too much cargo and too many passengers.

The "boss crew" puttered on by the village, but the people called out from the shore warning us that we shouldn't keep going all night. They said that there were many big trees ahead in the river and that we would ruin our boat if we kept going in the dark. So, we turned around and decided to spend the night in their village. This was, of course, not part of the original plan. We were supposed to arrive at Martha's house by nightfall, but as is usually the case in PNG, plans are always subject to change. So, we got out of the boat and started pulling things out that we would need for the night. However, because we had not planned on staying anywhere, nothing was easily accessible. The men spent nearly 30 minutes searching through the cargo for tarps, mosquito nets, flashlights, etc. However, Don and I stood by as helpless onlookers given that our feet were quite unaccustomed to wading around in the 12-inch deep mud that ran along the shoreline. The Papua New Guineans, on the other hand, somehow manage not only to maintain their balance but also to emerge from the muddy mess spotless. One day, I'll learn their secret. I'm determined. :) 

Once they gathered the necessary sleeping materials, we headed up the mud-covered side of a cliff which was a perfect perch for the village houses and overlooked the river below. The villagers told us that they lived in a swamp. They weren't kidding. The sound of the air being suctioned out of my shoes was heard with every step through the muddy and watery terrain. Martha (a villager not the missionary) carried a flashlight as she walked in front of me. She swayed her arms back and forth with the normal rhythm of walking, but each time there was a tree root or any other obstruction in my path, she would hold the flashlight back toward me so I could see the way. But, she never stopped or changed her pace, she just kept walking passing her light on to my feet. When we got to the top of the cliff, there were several houses (more like huts) all gathered in one area. There were lots of little dogs too. There were baby pigs running around at our feet as we made our way to the hut we would sleep in for the night. Once we set our stuff down, several of us gathered around a fire on the ground. We squatted or sat on little "footstools" which were about 2 inches off the ground near the gentle flames. 

Papua New Guineans often squat instead of sitting on the ground. 

Someone had some music on their phone (yes, they have cell phones without electricity), so we listened, and I entertained them with my wild and crazy American dance moves (mainly shoulder shrugs and head bobs) as the night came to a close. This was the night I kept convincing myself to talk with the girls who had come along (see previous post "I'm no conversationalist"), but after asking them what one of their names was and receiving only an embarrassed giggle in reply, I, bewildered and exhausted,  went to my bed on a tarp in the corner of the hut. (They lay tarps down to sleep so that the mosquitoes don't come up through the bamboo floor boards and eat them alive). Typically, you would sleep with a mosquito net hanging up as well, but we couldn't find ours, and I said it wasn't a big deal for one night. I covered up with the blue lap lap I had worn as a skirt (don't worry, I had long basketball shorts on underneath), and I went to sleep. Well, kind of. Those bamboo boards are about as comfortable as they look. I spent most of the night rolling over and trying to find a position that would allow me to fall asleep without simultaneously making my limbs fall asleep. I was not so successful. 

The next morning, we arose with the sun, and we gathered our belongings and got in the boat and headed back out on the river in pursuit of Martha's house. As we continued up (or down?) the river, we stopped at several other villages selling "flex cards" (which are credit for cell phones) and letting various passengers on and off the boat. In one village, we stopped the boat, and everyone seemed to be getting off. I had thought this was just another routine stop, but as it turned out, we were planning (or rather they were planning) to have breakfast in this village because it was the home village of our guide's mother. 

This is what I consider my first real experience in a PNG village. As I walked up the side of the mud-covered (but less swampy) cliff of this village, I was greeted by several Papua New Guineans. At the top, there were many huts scattered about on the flat soil. Fires smoldered in front of each of the houses sending the aroma of fall cookouts in the US wafting into the crisp morning air. 

Each of the houses had a small fire (see bottom right of the photo) which smoldered throughout the morning. 

The Papua New Guineans told me and Don to sit down in the hut while they made breakfast which consisted of roasted bananas, rice, tin fish, and roasted corn on the cob. Truly a breakfast fit for the king (or two Prime Ministers in this case)!

The hut that Don and I sat in while they cooked our breakfast. 

Chickens and roosters pecked and bawked all over the ground. One of the villagers brought us over a slice of papaya. I'd never eaten the orange-colored, soft and squishy fruit, and the texture mixed with my filthy hands, the hoard of flies buzzing around my head, the chickens on the ground, and the smell of smoke was enough to make me want to vomit. Don noticed my queasy expression and told me it was okay if I didn't want to eat it, but I was determined! I lay back for a bit to let myself adjust to my surroundings before making my stomach adjust to the food. And, Don said, "So, this is your first National Geographic village experience, huh?" And, that's precisely how it felt--like walking through a magazine. Everything was so surreal. The houses, the palm trees, the cooking, the animals. It was just like the pictures. But, this was real life! As I struggled to grip hold of reality, one of the Papua New Guineans brought us some corn on the cob to eat. Corn had never tasted so good! It was nothing like our corn in Illinois. It was tough and hard to chew and had a totally different flavor, especially because it was smoked, but it was just what I needed. I felt a rush of closeness to my home. I felt like these people weren't so different. They ate corn on the cob after all! 

 

And, from that point on, I was okay. I watched with intrigue and curiosity, but things didn't seem so shocking. I watched a group of Papua New Guineans kick a soccer ball and hit a volleyball back and forth. They laughed as they played. Things weren't so different here. People are just people. Even when they look different, talk different, walk different, cook different, smell different, eat different. People are people. And, they laugh when they play.  

Conflict Resolution

Every four years my campus ministry has brought in Randy Gariss from College Heights Christian Church in Joplin, Missouri,(http://www.alifetimelove.com/bio.htm) to talk about marriage and relationships at our annual winter retreat. Back in 2009, I bought his DVD "A Lifetime Love" which has six video sessions on issues that married couples often deal with. He offers much practical advice about dealing with in-laws, finances, and conflict. But, of all the topics, the one aspect of his teaching that I've put into practice the most so far is "how to have a healthy Christian fight". 

Randy bases his teaching on Ephesians 4 and 5. He states that there are three components of a healthy Christian fight: speaking the truth in love today (Eph. 4:25-27), being humble (Eph. 4:32, 5:21, and edifying the other person. You don't have to accomplish those three steps in that order, but whenever you address a conflict, disagreement, or hurt you should always have those three components. I know it sounds simple, but it has definitely changed the way that I deal with conflict.

Before hearing those simple principles, I would avoid dealing with conflict--that would just hurt people's feelings. But, then, instead of speaking with the person I had the conflict with, I would go tell others about how unfair they were being. But, there was no hope of reconciliation in that! Half the time, the other person didn't even know they had hurt me. I've learned though that although it is painful at first, confronting conflict is always the best option. Almost every time, my heart has been softened after dealing with the conflict, and my relationship with the other person has been restored to a much better state than it was before. 

Here's an example of how one might "hang something on each of the three hooks" of a healthy Christian fight. It's based on one of Randy's examples about a worker who continually arrives late and the boss wants to address it: "Hi Susan, can we talk for a few minutes? I wanted to talk with you about the time that you've been getting here in the morning. First of all, let me say that you are a great employee. You are a hard worker, and I know I can count on you to get your tasks done and done well. And, I really appreciate that dependability. (EDIFICATION) However, recently I've noticed that you've been arriving later and later. You know it states in our policy that you are to be here by 8:30, and I would appreciate if you made a more concerted effort to be here by that time. (SPEAK TRUTH IN LOVE) But, I also need to apologize because I should have dealt with this issue sooner--in fact, I should have dealt with it the day that it first bothered me. Each time it's happened, I've gotten more frustrated, and I've let bitterness creep in. I'm sorry about that, and I'm sorry for the way that that has affected our relationship recently. (BE HUMBLE)"

I know that many people feel this might sound idealistic, but it really is that simple. However, it requires that you think and pray over your time of confrontation and that you notice the conflict as soon as it arises. You cannot go into a time of addressing a conflict without prayer and reflection and expect yourself to be so fair. Often times when we're angry and especially when we've put off confrontation (and let bitterness creep in and allowed Satan to get that foothold (Eph. 4:25-27)), it's very hard for us to see any good in the other person. It's also very hard for us to see any wrong in us. But, if this is the case, we can be SURE that we are not ready to confront the other person because we certainly would not be speaking truth, it wouldn't be in love, and we wouldn't be humble.

Try this in your next conflict. It takes practice and discipline, but even though I'm far from perfect at dealing with conflict now, Randy's teaching's really helped me learn how to better deal with problems when they arise. Let me know what you think! :)

Going Public with Praise: 10 Reasons Why My Fiance Is Great!

I mentioned a few weeks ago that I've been doing some reading up on marriage. Recently, I've been reading Dr. David Jeremiah's book What the Bible Says about Love, Marriage, and Sex which is based on Song of Solomon and Tim LaHaye's Understand Your Man. I also already mentioned a few others in previous blogs like Martha Peace's The Excellent Wife. I've discovered on common thread among all of them:

Men really want to please their wives and they NEED affirmation from them.

If a husband doesn't seem to want to please his wife, it's probably because he got tired of trying and failing. The Scriptures command over and over for wives to respect their husbands. And, Song of Solomon is overflowing with both public and private admiration and praise from both lovers.

One suggestion of Tim Lahaye's that I really like is keeping a note card with a list of wonderful traits your significant other possesses. He says that if you read that card everyday, there is no way that you will not love your spouse. It just doesn't work. Truly reflecting on their good qualities just doesn't allow you to not like them! :) And daily reflecting on their good qualities? Well, that's entirely scriptural! Philippians 4:8 says, "Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." Reviewing a list of all of the "true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy" traits of our loved ones quite possibly could be one of the best ways we can be obedient to this verse!

So, I decided to go public with my praise as Dr. David Jeremiah suggests and offer you all a list of 10 reasons (in no particular order) of why my fiance is great! :)

1. He's a REALLY good listener.
I know there are so many stereotypes about guys not listening and wanting to watch TV while we want to talk, but that just isn't Don. In fact, he's taught me about how to be a good listener. He's showed me that often times telling a story of my own to show I understand isn't as good as just being quiet and maybe repeating back what the other person has said to show that I understand.

2. He's committed to me.
We all have our bad days. And, I've had my fair share--days when I've been selfish or sulky. And, you know what, it's on those days that Don shows his love best. He's bought me flowers on those days. He's even spent hours looking at Proverbs 31 verse by verse and writing out how I exemplify each one of those verses in the way I live! And, this is when I haven't been on top of my game!

3. He's confident.
He's not swayed by the opinions of others quite like I am. I tend to be tossed about by the waves of people's opinions, but he knows who he is and what he believes, and he doesn't let the disapproval of men shake him.

4. He's a great writer.
Have you checked out his blog? http://donnypapuanist.wordpress.com/ He's really incredible.

5. He's brilliant!
Don is really, really smart! Really! He told me the first day I met him that he did his undergrad at a "small liberal arts college in New Hampshire". That "small liberal arts college" just happened to be Dartmouth! What?! I'm so glad he didn't tell me that. This little state-school girl would have realized she was out of her league! :) And now, he's getting his Ph.D. in Linguistics! I'm really proud of him.

6. He's humble.
Did you notice how he chose not to tell me where he went to school? He's really humble. He's confident in who is he is and he doesn't feel the need to name drop or brag about his accomplishments. I really like that about him. And, it just gives me more opportunities to do it for him! :)

7. He's handsome!
His grandma was showing us pictures of his grandpa (whom Don is named after) one day last summer, and she said, "Look what a handsome devil I got!" I have to say, Don didn't just get his grandpa's name, he also got his devilish good looks. :)

8. He's respected by his peers.
The first week that I met Don, I had his professors telling me, "Have you met Don? He's such a great guy" and his fellow students saying, "Man, Don is the real deal!" When you're a linguist, you can't get much better than being the real deal.

9. He's romantic.
Oh goodness, have I not posted on here how Don proposed? Oh, it was lovely. Truly lovely. Mementos from our relationship, a tree house, flower petals. Absolutely perfect.

10. He seeks God wholeheartedly.
While in PNG taking on this rigorous 7-month fieldwork, he's been incredibly faithful and consistent in his love of the Lord. He's even been reading a Gospel every Sunday and memorizing the entire book of Mark! But, all that would be useless, if he didn't have love and if the fruit of that work didn't show up in his life. But, he does love the Lord and he is bearing incredible fruit for the kingdom. And, his heart is becoming more and more like Christ's everyday. I see it.

He's really great. And, the more I reflect on the qualities on my note card, the longer the list gets! It's really amazing! Try it! Your marriage will be better for it. Guaranteed.

My Story

"This is my story, this is my song, praising my Savior all the day long."

I heard Third Day's rendition of the hymn "Blessed Assurance" on the radio today. As I emphatically sang it's word with the radio blaring, I began to question, "Is that really my story?"

I had a traumatic experience (for me, anyway) this past week. I turned in a rough draft of a paper for one of my classes, and I my professor gave it back saying that I had based my argument on some questionable assumptions which led me to some questionable conclusions. He told me my paper was not able to be fixed and that I would have to rewrite a new paper. Mind you, this was the last week of classes. Just as I was beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel--Poof! It was gone. And, needless to say, I was crushed emotionally. I felt like such a failure. A totally unacceptable paper? How had I done that? I must be the worst person in the class. (Remember, I'm competitive). I wallowed in these feelings for the whole day after he'd broken the news.

I called my mom right after my meeting with him, and she prayed that God would send special encouragement from people at school even if they didn't know the situation. And, you know what, God heard her prayers and answered them in a mighty way.

I walked into my next class right after getting off the phone, and my professor asked how I was doing. You know what happens after a question like that...I had a nervous breakdown right there in front of him and three other classmates. I bawled through my story about how I would have to start over on my paper and how I was so tired I didn't think I could do it. But, you know what? My professor walked up behind where I was sitting and he put his hand on my shoulder for about 10 seconds. It was the most glorious comfort in all the world at the moment. He didn't even say a word. But, he offered what my mom couldn't at that point. A comforting touch. After class, a fellow student told me she and her husband had been praying for me that week, and she gave me a hug.  Later on that evening, another student sent me a short email encouraging me that he was glad to be working in Bible translation together and that he was confident God was going to use me to spread his fame. The next day another student told me he noticed that I wasn't myself the day before and that he had prayed for me.

God is so good. Even when we are not faithful, He is faithful. I did not take his command in 1 Thessalonians 5 seriously. It says, "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." I was not obedient in this. I sobbed and let self pity creep into my heart. And, yet, God heard the prayers of my mom, and he answered them faithfully. And, after receiving his comfort, I praised him again.

My prayer is that I would grow in my faith in his sovereignty and that I would learn to be obedient to his call to "give thanks in ALL circumstances". My prayer is that I would be found praising my Savior all the day long. My prayer is that no matter what, in success or in failure, in the harvest feast or the fallow ground, my prayer is that this would be my story.

Envy and Selfish Ambition

I'm competitive. I always have been. Sadly, I think competition is one of the driving forces behind why I work so hard at the tasks I set myself to. But, many times I find that competition kills. It kills my spirit. It kills my love for others. It kills my relationships. And, many times I find that competition also brings life. It brings life to envy. It brings life to selfish ambition. It brings life to a spirit that cries out for more attention, more awards, more glory.

God convicted me of my sinful spirit today when I read James 3:16, "For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice."

Surely not, Lord. Surely I can be competitive without sinning. Surely I can envy the skills and talents of someone else without all of those other evils.

There is always danger in holding my beliefs over God's truth.

When I read that verse, I was drawn to the fact that James couples envy with selfish ambition. That was it. My envy was stemming from my competitive spirit. And my competitive spirit was growing up out of my selfish ambition. At the root of it all, I wanted glory, attention, praise, and respect for myself. And, I didn't want anyone else to have it. Just me.

Zechariah 14:9 says that at the end of time, "The Lord will be king over the whole earth. On that day there will be one Lord, and his name the only name."

His name the only name. At the end of time, no one will know my name. My name will not even exist in the minds or hearts of anyone on earth--not even my own. So, why do I compete? Why do I envy? Am I not here to bring glory to the one who is King over all the earth? Am I not here to magnify the one name that will endure forever?

Forgive me, Yahweh, Jehovah, the Self-Existent One, for the times that I forget that your name is the only name.

A Caveat

It's funny, you know. Every time I post something, God spends the next two weeks teaching me how to live out what I wrote. And, most times, he shows me that I don't have it all figured out. So, here's a caveat to my last post: We can cast off the flesh easily when we're living in the Spirit. If we've given ourselves over as slaves to the flesh again, it will take surrender to the Spirit anew to help us cast off the flesh.

A few weeks ago, I blogged about submission. I wrote that blog at a time when I was filled with Spirit, enjoying obedience to God and obedience to the authorities he's placed in my life. It was wonderful. And, I thought, "I've figured it out!" But, then I realized that I was a bit too hasty in my judgment. Over the last few weeks, Satan has sneakily crept back in and whispered empty promises about what good there is in living for myself and what danger there is in submitting to others. Without even realizing it, I started building walls again--fortresses against any attack by the ones called to protect me. 

I've been trying to knock down those walls again--trying to get back to the submission and joy I had just a short time ago. And, that's the place that my last blog was written from. A place of victory. I wanted to take hold of the truth that a stubborn--or, what is called these days?--strong-willed spirit was not my real identity. My true spirit is like Christ's spirit. As Paul says in Romans, "You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness." I wanted that to be my identity. I am free. I am not governed by the sinful desire to stubbornly refuse to obey. 

However, over the last week, I've tried over and over to claim that as my identity. But, it hasn't worked in changing my heart. I've still been stubborn. No matter how much I verbally cast off the flesh or claim that it is not me, I still feel like it is me. My heart still seeks what I hate, and I still do what I do not want to do. So, God showed me what I missed before. 

In Romans 8:7, Paul says, "The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God." No wonder, I wasn't able to cast off the flesh. I had let my mind be governed by it again. Though I'd already been set free, I let myself become a slave to it again. Once I did that, I could not please God. My heart was not willing to please God. 

But, Paul goes on to say, "but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live." Hmmm...--"by the Spirit"--I guess I missed that last time. I cannot, especially if I'm operating out of the flesh, put to death the misdeeds of the body. But, the Spirit can. So, in order to take hold of my true identity and my new life in Christ, I'm resurrendering myself to the Spirit--allowing him to change my heart back to the new creation that it is and give me the power to walk in truth. Resurrendering at this point has looked like bathing myself in the Word, spending more time in prayer, and memorizing Scriptures that apply to the issues I'm trying to overcome. And, by God's grace I have faith that by His Spirit, "I will live".