I Am

Today I meditated on the Lord through a song by Jill Phillips (click here). I thought the message was good enough to share as is. No frills. Just quietness of spirit and the presence of the Lord. I pray that you too are drawn into His tender care and affection as you listen.

Being Like Jesus

I cannot will myself to be like Jesus in the moment of testing. 

Dallas Willard discusses this point in detail in the first chapter of his book The Spirit of the Disciplines. He emphasizes that one of the major fallacies of the Church today is that we are to be like Jesus as he was in the limelight (i.e. loving the outcast, turning the other cheek, suffering patiently,etc.), without being like Jesus as he was in everyday life (i.e. praying, fasting, serving, celebrating, studying, etc.).

Willard uses the comparison of a young baseball player and a young Christian to illustrate his point. The young player cannot simply mimic his favorite baseball star in his attire, in his stance, and in his swing in order to play like him on game day. That's not how the baseball star got to the big leagues after all. The baseball star got there from years of work training his body day after day in practice, drills, diets, and exercise. If the young athlete wants to be like him, he must also commit himself to a lifestyle of practice and drills and diets and exercise to train his body day after day.

In the same way, we as Christians cannot simply hope that the moment we are tested in loving the outcast, turning the other cheek, or suffering patiently that we will be able to just mimic Jesus. Even Jesus didn't just get to loving the outcast, turning the other cheek, or suffering patiently by simply hoping he would be able to do it when the time came. Instead, Jesus "often withdrew to lonely places and prayed" (Luke 5:16); Jesus fasted (Matthew 4:1-11); Jesus served (John 13); Jesus celebrated (John 2:1-11); Jesus studied (Luke 2:41-52). If we want to be like him, we must also commit ourselves to a lifestyle of praying, solitude, fasting, service, celebration, study, etc.

Believing that I can just mimic the things that Jesus did in the limelight while not mimicking the things that he did elsewhere will only set me up for significant frustration.

To be like Jesus, I have to be like he was ALL the time, not just like he was in moments of testing.

Hungering for God

You know that feeling when you're really hungry? 

Your stomach aches with emptiness. All you can think about is food. Every billboard. Every commercial. Every post on Facebook. They're all about food! And, it all sounds so good! 

But, have you ever gotten past that point of extreme hunger? 

The ache goes away. The awareness of all the food around you goes away. Sometimes food doesn't even sound good anymore. Sometimes you have to force yourself to eat even if it doesn't sound good because you know your body will need the energy later. 

Practicing the disciplines has shown me that hungering after God is not so different from hungering after food. 

I need God, and I want Him. But, once I've let that need and that desire go unattended--after I've passed the point of feeling that hunger for Him--my ache for Him goes away. I start to lose my awareness of Him. And, sometimes being with Him doesn't even sound good. 

But, most of the time, I don't respond with Him the way I do with food. With food, I say, "I should eat even though I don't feel like it right now because I know I'll need the energy later." With Him, I say, "I shouldn't force myself to do it if I don't want to because it's not genuine, and I would be trying to make myself righteous by obeying the law."

I'm realizing that that's terrible logic that is keeping me from growing spiritually. 

By telling myself that I shouldn't spend time with the Lord because I don't feel like it, I'm making myself a slave to my feelings. And, I'm failing to recognize that my spirit needs to feast on the Bread of Life to be able to bear fruit whether I feel like it or not. I'm also failing to realize that I will almost always feel like being with Him once I've tasted a bit of His goodness. 

The reality is that I'm not trying to make myself righteous by spending time with the Lord when I don't want to. I know that simply going through the motions of a "quiet time" or "devotions" with the Lord is not enough. Instead, I'm making myself do what I don't want to do because I know that my feelings now are not reflective of the truth (i.e. I do desire the Lord even though I don't feel like it), because I know that my spirit needs the Lord, and because I have faith that my desire for Him will follow. 

Meditation and the Readying of the Spirit

Though David speaks of meditating often in the Psalms, prior to now, I've rarely considered meditating as a spiritual discipline that I would practice myself. I suppose I didn't really know what it was; or, I suppose it sounded too much like things that the Christian Church tends to shy away from or label as "too spiritual".

But, Joyce Huggett, in Spiritual Classics: A Renovare resource for individuals and groups, has a much different view on meditation. She writes, "...Christian meditation must not be confused with yoga, Eastern meditation or transcendental meditation. For, unlike these disciplines, Christian meditation has nothing to do with emptying our minds. Christian meditation engages every part of us--our mind, our emotions, our imagination, our creativity, and surpremely, our will."

There are different methods and practical ways to meditate. Huggett suggests muttering a Scripture over and over as David describes in the Psalms. Or, simply reflecting or pondering on the Scripture in our hearts. Richard Foster in Celebration of Discipline even talks about meditating on being in the very presence of Christ, using our imagination to envision walking with Him in fields or meadows.

Joyce Huggett places meditation in broader framework of the disciplines this way, "Such stillness is to Bible reading what preparing the soil is to good farming. Essential for fruitfulness." In other words, meditation, or spending time to quiet our minds and hearts to reflect on the being of Christ and His truth is the first step in pursuing other disciplines. Without this change in our focus and attitudes, our minds and hearts are not ready to receive what the Spirit has to give to us.

In practicing meditation yesterday and today, I chose to dwell on two passages. Yesterday was Isaiah 33:6, "He will be a sure foundation for your times, a rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge. The fear of the Lord is the key to this treasure." And, today was Psalm 100:4a, "Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise."

I've never spent such extended time repeating a passage of Scripture. Most of the time, I read it and move on. Or, I try to memorize it, and once I have, I close the Bible. But, with meditation, you could go on for hours like David did, "On my bed I think of you, I meditate on you all night long..." (Psalm 63:6). Repeating the verses over and over really impressed them on my heart. I was not focused so much on the task of memorization but on the truths of the Scripture, and as I meditated on them, I was drawn into the presence of God. A weight was lifted from my heart. I felt much less concerned with the worries of this life, and I was ready to hear from the Lord, free from distraction. It was truly a surprising and wonderful experience. A tilling of the soil, a readying of my spirit.

I can understand why meditation is the first chapter of Foster's Celebration of Discipline. It truly makes the spirit ready to engage with God. It frees our spirit from being subject to our spiritual to-do lists. It stops our works-based pursuit of God, makes us aware of the Lord's love-filled pursuit of us, and then draws us in to His glorious presence that we may be made into His likeness by the work of His Spirit.

What Are the Disciplines?

One question that must be answered in a pursuit of the disciplines as a means of spiritual transformation is, "What are the disciplines?" To answer this, I've looked to those disciplines that Richard Foster has set out in his book Celebration of Discipline. Foster focuses on twelve disciplines which he divides into Inward Disciplines, Outward Disciplines, and Corporate Disciplines which are shown below.

Inward Disciplines
Meditation
Prayer
Fasting
Study

Outward Disciplines 
Simplicity
Solitude
Submission
Service

Corporate Disciplines
Confession
Worship
Guidance
Celebration

Foster illustrates the interconnected relationship of the disciplines on the final page of his book:

"...meditation heightens our spiritual sensitivity which, in turn leads us into prayer. Very soon we discover that prayer involves fasting as an accompanying means. Informed by these three Disciplines, we can effectively move into study which gives us discernment about ourselves and the world in which we live. Through simplicity we live with others in integrity. Solitude allows us to be genuinely present to people when we are with them. Through submission we live with other without manipulation, and through service we are a blessing to them. Confession frees us from ourselves and releases us to worship. Worship opens the door to guidance. All the Disciplines freely exercised bring forth the doxology of celebration" (Foster 1998: 201).

These are the disciplines that I will be focusing on for the next year. I don't plan on it being perfectly planned out in the perfect way for a blog...because the blog isn't my primary focus in all this. I want the Lord. And, I want His Spirit working in me as He wills not as I will. So, we'll see where He leads, and I'll try to record things I've learned on here as a record of the power of the Spirit to transform lives.

Why Disciplines Aren't Enough

It's only been 3 days, and I've already felt my heart steering in the wrong direction. I've already admitted in previous posts that my natural bent is for activities and achievements. If I have a formula for success, I'm good to go...alone. But, the disciplines as God intends them are not about activities. They are about the heart.

I can't count the number of times that I have prayed or read my Bible or fasted or...or...or...and it hasn't done a thing in my heart. When I do the discipline to pride myself on having done it or to check it off my list, it's worthless. And, I feel it. There is no peace in my heart. Just more activities and more stress over everything I have to do. Satan loves this because it drives me away from the presence of the Lord. I want to flee from the pressure and the busyness.

But, that's not what the Lord has to offer. He wants to offer peace and rest. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28).

When I feel the weight of the disciplines and my to do list getting heavier, I know I'm getting off track, but I don't think this is cause to throw out the disciplines all together though. In the moments I've gotten off track, I've felt the pull of the Lord to honestly and humbly come before Him with no defenses and no hiding to take another inventory of my heart. In those moments, He's reminded me that He is gentle and humble in heart, and I will find rest for my soul in Him (Matthew 11:29).

The disciplines are only good insofar as they enable us to peacefully dwell in the presence of Christ and be changed by Him.  

In John 15:5, Jesus says, "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." I will accomplish nothing by disciplines alone unless I stop the constant activity, and, in the midst of the disciplines, find myself abiding in the holiness of Christ. 

Why Discipline?

To answer this question, the Lord laid on my heart 1Timothy 4:7-8, "Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives' tales; rather, train yourself to be godly. For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come."

Physical training.

In the last decade, our culture has become aware of the physical decay of our earthly bodies. We've seen the  negative impacts of indulgent foods loaded with sweets and indulgent lifestyles lacking in exercise. So, we've begun to discipline ourselves through diet and exercise, trusting that taking control over our bodies will reap the rewards of weight loss and longer life.

The reality with dieting and exercise is that we have to get a long-term perspective. We have to look at what we want our life to be, not what we want the next fifteen minutes to be. Do we want to be unhealthy and lethargic forever? If the answer is no, then we have to start making decisions in the short-term that are focused on the long-term. We have to start saying "no" to unhealthy food that we want now, in order to say "yes" to the healthy body that we want later. And, according to Paul, this training is good for us while we're here on earth.

Spiritual training.

The reality with spiritual growth is that we have to get a long-term perspective. We have to look at what we want our life to be, not what we want the next fifteen minutes to be. Do we want to be spiritual sluggards forever? If the answer is no, then we have to start making decisions in the short-term that are focused on the long-term. We have to start saying "no" to petty activities and worthless goals that we want now, in order to say "yes" to the godly life that we want later. And, according to Paul, this training is good for us while we're here on earth and good for us when we get to heaven.

The real paradox is that discipline now brings freedom later. It is only when we discipline our bodies through diet and exercise that we recognize that we have control over our physical bodies, and we lose weight and become healthy. In the same way, it is only when we discipline our spirits through things like prayer, meditation, fasting, simplicity, and solitude that we recognize that we have control over our sinful nature, and stop sinful thinking and habits and grow spiritually.


In short, spiritual disciplines show us that we are no longer controlled by the flesh and make us open to the work of the Spirit in our lives. 

An Inventory of the Heart

I stated in my Honest Beginnings post that I didn't think it was possible to see true transformation unless I was honest about where I was starting. But, I realize that I was not clear enough in the last post about the things I'm struggling with. I gave too many words and not enough honesty. So, this time I've decided to make a list.

1) I have not been in the Word daily.

2) I have been enslaved to people pleasing--constantly wondering if my professors think I'm a good student or a slacker or if other Christians think I serve the poor enough.

3) I have used busyness as an excuse to hide from the Lord.

4) I have been intensely struggling with comparing myself to others in my achievements, frequently being very hard on myself if I was not the best or if I made a mistake.

5) I have been using achievements as a measure of my self worth.

6) I have been seeking my own glory rather than the glory of God.

7) I have not been serving the poor in my neighborhood. I've used busyness as an excuse.

8) I have not shared my faith with any non-believers in months. I've used the fact that my gifts are more in teaching and discipleship of believers to explain this.

9) My times with the Lord have been sporadic at best. Little prayers throughout the day, but little extended time spent with Him.

10) I have looked to my needs before the needs of others, including my husband's.

11) I have compared myself to others to make myself feel better about how I was doing.

12) I have felt guilty about the state of my heart.

13) I have felt the promptings of the Spirit and blatantly disobeyed them.

14) I have held on to the times that I was doing well spiritually and shared them with others to be impressive and convince myself I was a good follower of Christ.

15) I have been jealous of the friendships of others, wanting people to like me instead.

16) I have been angry when people have treated me unjustly or when I have perceived that they have treated me unjustly.

17) I have been defensive when others (especially my husband) have brought up things that they see in my heart that should change.

It's kind of ugly when you write it all out like that. But, it's also true, and it's an inventory of the parts of my heart that need transformation. I should say here that I think that Satan loves for us to compare ourselves to others whether it makes us feel good or bad about ourselves. But, comparing ourselves to each other is not wise (2 Cor. 10:12b). So, I pray that this list would not be used as a tool of Satan but as a reflection of the power and the redemptive work of God in the life of His children.

Honest Beginnings

I feel that the only way that true spiritual transformation can be seen over the course of the next year is by being honest about where I'm beginning.

I'm tired, and I'm weak. I have spent the last year striving. Last May, I broke down exhausted and defeated after not making it as successfully as I had hoped through grad school. But, even then, I persisted. I pushed, and I pushed, and I pushed. I would invite people over for lunches when I literally had to take a nap on the floor of my living room while they were still at my apartment. I would continue to go to classes, even though the drive to school alone made me so tired that I would have to nap under my cubicle 10 minutes before the class would start. I was so tired. After a fever struck for over a week, I finally realized I was sick. Really sick. So, for two months, I quit life. It was glorious, and I learned a great deal about rest. And, about how measuring your worth by your productivity is an American construct not necessarily a godly one. But, as I lay unable to accomplish things...I was desperate. Desperate for my identity back. And, as soon as I was healthy again, I was ready to earn it back.

Slowly, over the last 8 months, I've accumulated more things to do. Things that make me feel accomplished and busy and good that I'm making other people happy. And, again, I'm tired. It's not that I've forgotten everything I learned from having mono. In fact, I've tried to incorporate some leisure activities from that season of life into my new schedule. I've done things just for fun to give myself a break. But, even the fun has become another thing on my to do list.

When I finally stopped to take a breath, I heard the Lord speak. And, He revealed to me that I would never find rest even in my restful activities because true rest can only be found in Him. This whole time I've been striving--never willing to stop long enough to be at peace in His presence. I think I was afraid. I knew I wasn't giving Him the time that He deserved. So, I made myself busier to have an excuse to flee from His piercing gaze.

But, of course, when I finally stopped to stand in His shadow, I did not find the fiery blazes of anger I expected but the gentle, cool breeze of His tender affection. And, I was at peace--for the first time in a long time. Peace.

I am hungry for more. I want more peace. I want less busyness. I want fewer accomplishments. I want less competition. I want less living for other people. I want a life characterized by the transformation of the Holy Spirit to make me more like Christ to the glory of God the Father. And, I want the transformation to be lasting. I'm tired of being half-hearted. I'm tired of growing cold.

So, here I am. Tired. Weak. Enslaved. And, I want to be free.

Mono, Marriage, and a Master's...and a Journey toward Spiritual Transformation

I haven't posted in a while. Turns out that 10 months filled with mono, marriage, and a Master's will do that to a blogger.

Anyway, I hope to be back for a while. For a year at least! :) This all stems from the fact that I've recently been reading Richard Foster's Celebration of Discipline, and I've decided to start a year-long journey through the spiritual disciplines as a path to spiritual transformation. I've been a devoted follower of Christ for about ten years, but I've become discontent with the complacency and lack of desire that still dwells in my heart and squelches the work of the Spirit in my life. As I've been reading Celebration of Discipline, I've been convicted that I've been listless in my walk with God. I've lacked the discipline that it takes to train my heart out of that complacency and lack of desire.

So, I'm starting today. May 10, 2013. Kind of an odd, middle-of-the-year kind of date. Why start today of all days? Well, I heard a few weeks ago in a Chapel talk by a fellow student that the best indicator of what you will do tomorrow is what you've done today. I was struck. Over the last ten years, I've come up with so many dreams for my Christian walk. I've had visions of how consistent I want my times with the Lord to be, how fervent I want my prayers to be, how sincere I want my love for others to be. And, I've frequently said, "Yes, I want that...and I'll start tomorrow." But, the best indicator of what I will do tomorrow is what I did today. So, here I am. Today. Starting.

I pray that this journey would give us a clearer picture of how spiritual transformation actually happens. I think that we frequently hold on to our spiritual aspirations expecting them to happen over night in a flash (which they could, knowing the Spirit). But, I think often, spiritual transformation happens in the small decisions and in the menial moments of life. Over time we can look back on the culmination of all those menial moments and see the fruit of the Spirit making us more like Christ. I hope that this blog can be a testimony to the work of the Lord in all those trivial matters of life. May He daily helps us to walk and not grow weary as we follow Him.