Honest Beginnings

I feel that the only way that true spiritual transformation can be seen over the course of the next year is by being honest about where I'm beginning.

I'm tired, and I'm weak. I have spent the last year striving. Last May, I broke down exhausted and defeated after not making it as successfully as I had hoped through grad school. But, even then, I persisted. I pushed, and I pushed, and I pushed. I would invite people over for lunches when I literally had to take a nap on the floor of my living room while they were still at my apartment. I would continue to go to classes, even though the drive to school alone made me so tired that I would have to nap under my cubicle 10 minutes before the class would start. I was so tired. After a fever struck for over a week, I finally realized I was sick. Really sick. So, for two months, I quit life. It was glorious, and I learned a great deal about rest. And, about how measuring your worth by your productivity is an American construct not necessarily a godly one. But, as I lay unable to accomplish things...I was desperate. Desperate for my identity back. And, as soon as I was healthy again, I was ready to earn it back.

Slowly, over the last 8 months, I've accumulated more things to do. Things that make me feel accomplished and busy and good that I'm making other people happy. And, again, I'm tired. It's not that I've forgotten everything I learned from having mono. In fact, I've tried to incorporate some leisure activities from that season of life into my new schedule. I've done things just for fun to give myself a break. But, even the fun has become another thing on my to do list.

When I finally stopped to take a breath, I heard the Lord speak. And, He revealed to me that I would never find rest even in my restful activities because true rest can only be found in Him. This whole time I've been striving--never willing to stop long enough to be at peace in His presence. I think I was afraid. I knew I wasn't giving Him the time that He deserved. So, I made myself busier to have an excuse to flee from His piercing gaze.

But, of course, when I finally stopped to stand in His shadow, I did not find the fiery blazes of anger I expected but the gentle, cool breeze of His tender affection. And, I was at peace--for the first time in a long time. Peace.

I am hungry for more. I want more peace. I want less busyness. I want fewer accomplishments. I want less competition. I want less living for other people. I want a life characterized by the transformation of the Holy Spirit to make me more like Christ to the glory of God the Father. And, I want the transformation to be lasting. I'm tired of being half-hearted. I'm tired of growing cold.

So, here I am. Tired. Weak. Enslaved. And, I want to be free.