An Inventory of the Heart

I stated in my Honest Beginnings post that I didn't think it was possible to see true transformation unless I was honest about where I was starting. But, I realize that I was not clear enough in the last post about the things I'm struggling with. I gave too many words and not enough honesty. So, this time I've decided to make a list.

1) I have not been in the Word daily.

2) I have been enslaved to people pleasing--constantly wondering if my professors think I'm a good student or a slacker or if other Christians think I serve the poor enough.

3) I have used busyness as an excuse to hide from the Lord.

4) I have been intensely struggling with comparing myself to others in my achievements, frequently being very hard on myself if I was not the best or if I made a mistake.

5) I have been using achievements as a measure of my self worth.

6) I have been seeking my own glory rather than the glory of God.

7) I have not been serving the poor in my neighborhood. I've used busyness as an excuse.

8) I have not shared my faith with any non-believers in months. I've used the fact that my gifts are more in teaching and discipleship of believers to explain this.

9) My times with the Lord have been sporadic at best. Little prayers throughout the day, but little extended time spent with Him.

10) I have looked to my needs before the needs of others, including my husband's.

11) I have compared myself to others to make myself feel better about how I was doing.

12) I have felt guilty about the state of my heart.

13) I have felt the promptings of the Spirit and blatantly disobeyed them.

14) I have held on to the times that I was doing well spiritually and shared them with others to be impressive and convince myself I was a good follower of Christ.

15) I have been jealous of the friendships of others, wanting people to like me instead.

16) I have been angry when people have treated me unjustly or when I have perceived that they have treated me unjustly.

17) I have been defensive when others (especially my husband) have brought up things that they see in my heart that should change.

It's kind of ugly when you write it all out like that. But, it's also true, and it's an inventory of the parts of my heart that need transformation. I should say here that I think that Satan loves for us to compare ourselves to others whether it makes us feel good or bad about ourselves. But, comparing ourselves to each other is not wise (2 Cor. 10:12b). So, I pray that this list would not be used as a tool of Satan but as a reflection of the power and the redemptive work of God in the life of His children.