Every four years my campus ministry has brought in Randy Gariss from College Heights Christian Church in Joplin, Missouri,(http://www.alifetimelove.com/bio.htm) to talk about marriage and relationships at our annual winter retreat. Back in 2009, I bought his DVD "A Lifetime Love" which has six video sessions on issues that married couples often deal with. He offers much practical advice about dealing with in-laws, finances, and conflict. But, of all the topics, the one aspect of his teaching that I've put into practice the most so far is "how to have a healthy Christian fight".
Randy bases his teaching on Ephesians 4 and 5. He states that there are three components of a healthy Christian fight: speaking the truth in love today (Eph. 4:25-27), being humble (Eph. 4:32, 5:21, and edifying the other person. You don't have to accomplish those three steps in that order, but whenever you address a conflict, disagreement, or hurt you should always have those three components. I know it sounds simple, but it has definitely changed the way that I deal with conflict.
Before hearing those simple principles, I would avoid dealing with conflict--that would just hurt people's feelings. But, then, instead of speaking with the person I had the conflict with, I would go tell others about how unfair they were being. But, there was no hope of reconciliation in that! Half the time, the other person didn't even know they had hurt me. I've learned though that although it is painful at first, confronting conflict is always the best option. Almost every time, my heart has been softened after dealing with the conflict, and my relationship with the other person has been restored to a much better state than it was before.
Here's an example of how one might "hang something on each of the three hooks" of a healthy Christian fight. It's based on one of Randy's examples about a worker who continually arrives late and the boss wants to address it: "Hi Susan, can we talk for a few minutes? I wanted to talk with you about the time that you've been getting here in the morning. First of all, let me say that you are a great employee. You are a hard worker, and I know I can count on you to get your tasks done and done well. And, I really appreciate that dependability. (EDIFICATION) However, recently I've noticed that you've been arriving later and later. You know it states in our policy that you are to be here by 8:30, and I would appreciate if you made a more concerted effort to be here by that time. (SPEAK TRUTH IN LOVE) But, I also need to apologize because I should have dealt with this issue sooner--in fact, I should have dealt with it the day that it first bothered me. Each time it's happened, I've gotten more frustrated, and I've let bitterness creep in. I'm sorry about that, and I'm sorry for the way that that has affected our relationship recently. (BE HUMBLE)"
I know that many people feel this might sound idealistic, but it really is that simple. However, it requires that you think and pray over your time of confrontation and that you notice the conflict as soon as it arises. You cannot go into a time of addressing a conflict without prayer and reflection and expect yourself to be so fair. Often times when we're angry and especially when we've put off confrontation (and let bitterness creep in and allowed Satan to get that foothold (Eph. 4:25-27)), it's very hard for us to see any good in the other person. It's also very hard for us to see any wrong in us. But, if this is the case, we can be SURE that we are not ready to confront the other person because we certainly would not be speaking truth, it wouldn't be in love, and we wouldn't be humble.
Try this in your next conflict. It takes practice and discipline, but even though I'm far from perfect at dealing with conflict now, Randy's teaching's really helped me learn how to better deal with problems when they arise. Let me know what you think! :)
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