PNG Realization: I'm no Martha Stewart

Among the many things I learned during my time in Papua New Guinea, one of the most salient realizations was that I am no Martha Stewart when it comes to the kitchen.

When I arrived in the village with PBT missionaries Martha and Lindy, I was expecting it to be very "bush", or primitive in other words. As it turned out, Martha did have a bush house, but it was more westernized than I had expected. She had a refrigerator, a freezer, a stove, an oven, and running water! How fantastic! There was going to be less of a learning curve to this bush living than I thought. Little did I know that even with these modern conveniences, I would soon reveal just how inadequate my cooking skills were.

During my week's stay in Martha's house, she and Lindy gave me various cooking tasks: making coleslaw and soup, baking cookies, brownies, and mock apple pie. And, just about every one of them turned out to be a disaster. For now, I'll focus only on two disasters for the sake of my own self-esteem.

Let's start with the coleslaw. The day before we left her house, Martha told me to use the extra cabbage and carrots in the refrigerator to make some coleslaw for dinner. So, I said, "That's fine as long you can show me how to chop the cabbage." (Luckily, I had just seen Lindy peel and grate the carrots earlier in the week for a salad. Whew! I'd never in my life bought regular carrots. I've always bought those cute, baby ones in the plastic bag. At least after watching her, I didn't have to embarrass myself by asking her to show me how to cut those too!) Even still, Martha looked at me over her glasses in utter disbelief and disappointment, "You've never made coleslaw before?" "No? We just buy ours at KFC..."

And, that was the end of that task. Don did the job instead. Ouch. Just what you always wanted as a fiance--having your significant other do the cooking tasks because he can do them better. Don't worry, Don. I'll learn someday, and I'll make you a good wife! ;)

And how about that mock apple pie? Well, Martha gave me the crust recipe and the pie filling recipe, and I got busy cutting up the green papaya. I made up the dough and having watched Don roll out a pie crust just a few days before (after Lindy had given him some pointers like putting wax paper over the dough to roll it), I got started. I rolled and rolled and rolled and rolled and rolled and rolled...and the wax paper got wrinkled and ripped. So I got new paper, and I rolled and rolled and rolled. And, the paper kept walking all over the table. And, every time I put up the dough to the pan, it was still to small. But, it was paper thin! You could literally see through it! What the heck!? So, I asked Don, "Did you have this much trouble when you rolled the dough the other day?" And, he said, "Well, I mean, it did take a while." So, I rolled and rolled some more. After about an hour of rolling, I gave up and just put it in there and got started on the top layer of the pie. The same story. When all was said and done, the pie was in the pan but it was about a half an inch from the rim and a half an inch from the side of pan. Oops! It turns out that I hadn't read the title of the recipe which said, "Single pie crust". Well, actually, I had read it, but I didn't know that "single" meant that you should double it if you were putting a top on the pie. Oops. Martha's response to my blunder? "Well, it'll eat. I guess I just didn't realize how hard this lifestyle was for your generation."

Ouch. And, the worst part about it? She's absolutely right. We have so many conveniences in the States like store-bought pie crust, pre-cut cabbage and carrots, and pre-made cole slaw. I have to admit, it's nice for life here; it makes cooking so much faster. But, those little conveniences aren't available in Papua New Guinea. So, you know what? There's no denying it. I'm no Martha Stewart in the kitchen, but I'll learn, and in the meantime, it'll eat.